THE CRAZY-MAKING HUSBAND

THE CRAZY-MAKING HUSBAND Radio Show is soon to debut at Martha Trowbridge Radio. Lots of fabulous guest experts, fascinating topics, enlightening discussions. All, validation, inspiration and expert advice for wives who suffer crazy-making by their husbands.

The radio site should be operational next week.  Once it is, you’ll be able to see upcoming show titles along with the featured guest experts.

In the meantime, if you’re up for it, please tune in to my recent interview by Peter Anthony Holder, “HOLDER TONIGHT”, on Canadian late-night Talk Radio CJAD Montreal and CFRB Toronto. It’s a fun show. You can access the interview near the bottom of THE CRAZY-MAKING HUSBAND website’s home page.

Thanks! and see you soon at Martha Trowbridge Radio.

If you no longer feel like yourself, and your dear husband qualifies as THE CRAZY-MAKING HUSBAND, get ready for some startling news.

Your husband has wrung the ‘you‘ out of you, with years of relentless brainwashing.

Brainwashing, yes, by emotional and mental browbeating, to render you into the woman he needs you to be. A spiritless, put-up-and-shut-up wife whose primary purpose is to mirror and echo his every whimper and whim.

THE CRAZY-MAKING HUSBAND can’t have you any other way.

Sound chilling? Well, pause a moment and think. Are you permitted to be the woman you were, the day you married him? Does your husband cherish and honor your individuality? Or does he quash and ridicule you, whenever you dare let it show? Are your needs respected and validated? Or are they trivialized, and negated, then dismissed?

I’m brainwashed? you say. How preposterous! Well, ask yourself this: are your opinions and judgment genuinely valued by your husband? Or, is the only time you’re permitted to have a voice, the time when you voice his position?

Why women suffer far more than men from depression* is no mystery. Far too many of us are married to crazy-makers.

That brain-click, that aha! moment, that luminous [yet sickening] realization that the reason you are no longer ‘yourself’ is your husband has brainwashed you out of being you should bring along with it a HUGE sigh of relief. For the wonderful Truth is: despite his best efforts, at core, you are still you!

The proof is here, right here, in front of both our noses. You — the original, authentic you – are at your desk, searching for help, reading this blog.

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* Depression, simply put, is your Spirit crying out for your loving attentions. For more on women and depression, please visit my MARTHA TROWBRIDGE website.

Today’s post is a little story with huge implications.

Once there was a poor crazed wife whose cat had five kittens.  How sweet they were, how precious! The joy they added to her life–and to their mother’s life–was immeasurable.  How they helped offset the pain of her husband’s crazy-making! Each day, for wonderfully blissful moments, genuine love imbued her home. Warmth and wonder filled the rage-riddled rooms. Cuddling these five precious lives, her life was a lot less bleak.

Not so, for her Crazy-Making Husband. The joy he witnessed was unbearable. How dare they all share love, when in his heart there was nothing but cold stone? For months he bullied and badgered his poor crazed wife. “Get RID of them!” he’d bellow, at midnight. “You and those f—– cats!”

And though they had room, and acres of land to support these wonderful lives, and though she had ample funds to provide for their nurture and healthcare, shaken and scared, unable to bear his incessant emotional beatings, at last the poor crazed wife  ‘permitted’ her Crazy-Making Husband to take the five tiny kittens to an animal shelter.

“What is your problem — it’s all perfectly legal,” shouted The Crazy-Making Husband, when his wife cried out in grief.  Since it’s legal, he argued, there’s nothing wrong with what he did.

For if it’s legal, it’s ethical — yes? *

It’s ethical to steal five tiny innocent lives from their mother, and render them homeless. It’s ethical to leave them at a animal shelter, surrendering them to who-knows-what future. It’s ethical to rob your wife of the tiny bundles of joy that buttress her from slipping into insanity from your crazy-making.

Ask The Crazy-Making Husband. He’ll tell you. It’s legal, so it’s perfectly fine.

Their mother, five days later, cannot stop screaming, searching high and low for her lost babies. While I, as grief-stricken as she, contemplate this story’s grave implications, when it comes to life with The Crazy-Making Husband.

For, in this ‘culture’ that humans have constructed, it is perfectly legal to murder your wife’s Spirit with emotional, mental, spiritual, and financial abuse. It is perfectly legal to bully her. It is perfectly legal to rage at her, humiliate her, and chronically squash her sense of self.

Despite her clearly evident suffering, it’s perfectly legal to confiscate her meager scraps of joy.

Here in America, if it’s legal, it’s ethical, yes?

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* Note: For phrasing this question, I am grateful to Dr. Edmund Pellegrino, Professor Emeritus of Medicine and Medical Ethics at the Center for Clinical Medical Ethics at Georgetown University Medical Center.

Recently I had a conversation with a dear college friend. Not many moments passed before our conversation turned to men. Though she and I originate in far different families, and have traveled far different life-paths, at heart, we are simpatico.

So as we mourned the dreadful state of many man-woman relationships, it wasn’t surprising that we shared a perspective.

She said it first: At the core of today’s relationship problems is men’s lack of respect for women.

Yes, RESPECT. Good, old-fashioned, wholesome respect. The kind of respect that requires good manners, consideration, kindness.  Respect that shields women from ugliness, and crassness. Respect that considers the welfare of his woman, in each and every decision that he makes.

Respect that motivates a man to behave his very best, to make his woman proud.

When was it in our ‘liberation declaration’ that we decided respect from men was unnecessary?  Why on earth did we assume that being ‘equal’ would efface our need for being well treated? And who, oh who, convinced us that ‘liberated’ women did not cry?

Each time we accept less-than-respectful behavior from our men, we contribute to the reinforcement of his bad behavior. What’s worse, this message is sent to other men. Eventually, society embraces bad male behavior.  Soon, institutions accept it too.

Shame — healthy, moral shame — is another gravely, mistakenly deleted social concept.

If you think I talk like an old-fashioned fool, test my hypothesis.  Ask any woman married to The Crazy-Making Husband: “Does your husband respect you?” “Does he feel ashamed when he behaves badly?” She may be embarrassed by your questions, but give her a moment. I promise she’ll be glad you asked.

THE CRAZY-MAKING HUSBAND e-Radio Show will soon be LIVE, right here from the website. What a line-up we’ve got! Wonderful, caring experts in money, women’s entrepreneurship, heart-break, self-esteem, eating issues, depression, fashion, sanity, MEN!!!!!!, relationships — to name a few. So, my dear sweet fellow crazed wives, hang on. Validation, inspiration and expert advice are on the way.

Yesterday I was interviewed by Sandra Yancey for her eWomenNetwork Radio Show, aired weekly at ABC / Disney’s Dallas TX radio station,  WBAP News/Talk 820 Radio.  Though you can’t dispense substantial solutions in sound-bytes, I did present some new material. In a nutshell, it’s this: Executive Women, please take note: your husband’s crazy-making thwarts your ability to perform and achieve. This warning applies to women in any professional pursuit. For more, please tune in February 15, 2009 from 7 - 8 PM Central Standard Time.

Merry Christmas to all! I just finished doing a radio show at Internet Voices Radio entitled “CHRISTMAS WITH THE CRAZY-MAKING HUSBAND”. Kim Droze of ShouldIDivorceHim was my guest, and it was wonderful! I hope to have the recording available next week — and will post in on this website. Til then, I wish each of you a splendid holiday season, with minimal crazy-making and maximum merry-making!

This late autumn Sunday afternoon, as I ponder the rolling hillsides and woodland behind my New England home, snowflakes sprinkle across the orange-y brown landscape. I think of the families of deer who generally visit each afternoon to munch, and to socialize. They’re absent today, hiding. Hiding — hoping to live through the next few hideous weeks of rifle-hunting season.

Thinking about the hunters — and the terror they inflict on their prey — somehow got me thinking about the plight of women married to The Crazy-Making Husband.

And illumination struck me.

Wives whose husbands chronically inflict crazy-making upon them eventually become their husbands’ captives. They become Prisoners Of Marriage. Yes, Prisoners.  Trapped by their husbands’ denigration, ridicule, thwarting of their hopes and dreams, neglect, excuses, diminishing, withdrawal, criticism, stonewalling, rejection, and angry outbursts — to cite just a few of his tactics.

Brainwashed into believing they are defective, unwanted, crazy, unreasonable, demanding, *wrong*, and all-in-all, a burden, their Spirits are broken.

These poor women are P.O.M.s — Prisoners Of Marriage.

Who literally fear the emotional and psychological consequences of attempting to escape.

If any of this seems sadly familiar, I assure you that the problem is not with you, dear wife. You feel the way you do because your Crazy-Making Husband is a Master Crazy-Maker.

Please permit me to get straight to the point. If you are married to The Crazy-Making Husband, in his head and heart, your very existence is the problem.

Yes, you read my words correctly. What you do or don’t do, think or don’t think, feel or don’t feel isn’t what activates his crazy-making. It’s the fact that you exist.

Though he may deny it, the core reason is that The Crazy-Making Husband doesn’t want to be a husband. In fact, he doesn’t want to be a grownup. As his wife, your existence ‘demands’ he be both. Take a survey of women whose husbands drive them crazy. I guarantee not one will report that her husband accepts responsibilities willfully, or gracefully — especially relational responsibilities.

Rather than rejoice in the fact you are united by marriage, The Crazy-Making Husband resents it. Deeply. What’s more, his deep-rooted resentment runs as thick as it runs deep.  His analysis of his discomfort with you concludes you’re “in his way”.  You’re a “drain”. A “drag” on him.

Healthy-minded men do not resort to crazy-making with their wives. Instead, they attempt to peaceably resolve conflict. The healthy-minded husband, in his acts, thoughts, and feelings, has unity, peace and mutuality as primary interpersonal goals. His relationship with his family is his top priority.

Sound impossible? Too pie-in-the-sky? If so, I am sorry to report that you’ve been brainwashed — by none other than your Crazy-Making Husband.

To see if you qualify as ‘Crazed Wife’ [the inevitable outcome of prolonged life with THE CRAZY-MAKING HUSBAND], here’s the litmus test: where are you, on these scales?

• calm—————————————————————–hysterical
• balanced———————————————————–off-balance
• clear-thinking———————————————————confused
• secure—————————————————————-insecure
• safe——————————————————————–fearful
• optimistic———————————————————–pessimistic
• confident—————————————————–feeling inadequate
• fulfilled——————————————————————empty
• bonded——————————————————————–lost
• socially invested——————————————–emotionally withdrawn
• high-spirited———————————————————depressed
• content————————————————————–frustrated
• cheery—————————————————————–irritable
• hopeful—————————————————————hopeless
• supported————————————————————–eroded
• rested—————————————————————exhausted
• validated—————————————————————-erased
• respected————————————————————-degraded
• valued———————————————————feeling worthless
• energetic————————————————————–depleted
• proud—————————————————————-ashamed
• happy—————————————————————miserable
• self-loving———————————————————self-loathing
• good immunity————————————————impaired immunity
• generally healthy——————————————————–often ill

The farther to the right you are positioned on these scales, the higher the chance you suffer crazy-making from your dear husband.

In a litmus test, one factor determines the test’s outcome. When it comes to determining whether you qualify as a ‘Crazed Wife’, that factor is none other than your Crazy-Making Husband.

Take a pencil. Put a dot where you reside on each of these scales. Then step back, and take a look. Who do you see?