THE CRAZY-MAKING HUSBAND

I’m pleased to share with you a wonderful website for women who suffer verbal abuse by their husbands. Penned anonymously, Verbal Abuse Journals and its accompanying Verbal Abuse Marriage Blog clearly and poignantly chronicle the painful experiences of a struggling wife and mother.

As with all abuse, verbal abuse damage is not confined to its target. What is delivered via words works its way through our entire beings, striking down our Spirits. I encourage all wives who suffer crazy-making by their husbands to visit the site, and follow the Verbal Abuse Marriage Blog. Tremendous insight lies therein.

THE CRAZY-MAKING HUSBAND Radio Show is soon to debut at Martha Trowbridge Radio. Lots of fabulous guest experts, fascinating topics, enlightening discussions. All, validation, inspiration and expert advice for wives who suffer crazy-making by their husbands.

The radio site should be operational next week.  Once it is, you’ll be able to see upcoming show titles along with the featured guest experts.

In the meantime, if you’re up for it, please tune in to my recent interview by Peter Anthony Holder, “HOLDER TONIGHT”, on Canadian late-night Talk Radio CJAD Montreal and CFRB Toronto. It’s a fun show. You can access the interview near the bottom of THE CRAZY-MAKING HUSBAND website’s home page.

Thanks! and see you soon at Martha Trowbridge Radio.

If you no longer feel like yourself, and your dear husband qualifies as THE CRAZY-MAKING HUSBAND, get ready for some startling news.

Your husband has wrung the ‘you‘ out of you, with years of relentless brainwashing.

Brainwashing, yes, by emotional and mental browbeating, to render you into the woman he needs you to be. A spiritless, put-up-and-shut-up wife whose primary purpose is to mirror and echo his every whimper and whim.

THE CRAZY-MAKING HUSBAND can’t have you any other way.

Sound chilling? Well, pause a moment and think. Are you permitted to be the woman you were, the day you married him? Does your husband cherish and honor your individuality? Or does he quash and ridicule you, whenever you dare let it show? Are your needs respected and validated? Or are they trivialized, and negated, then dismissed?

I’m brainwashed? you say. How preposterous! Well, ask yourself this: are your opinions and judgment genuinely valued by your husband? Or, is the only time you’re permitted to have a voice, the time when you voice his position?

Why women suffer far more than men from depression* is no mystery. Far too many of us are married to crazy-makers.

That brain-click, that aha! moment, that luminous [yet sickening] realization that the reason you are no longer ‘yourself’ is your husband has brainwashed you out of being you should bring along with it a HUGE sigh of relief. For the wonderful Truth is: despite his best efforts, at core, you are still you!

The proof is here, right here, in front of both our noses. You — the original, authentic you – are at your desk, searching for help, reading this blog.

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* Depression, simply put, is your Spirit crying out for your loving attentions. For more on women and depression, please visit my MARTHA TROWBRIDGE website.

Today’s post is a little story with huge implications.

Once there was a poor crazed wife whose cat had five kittens.  How sweet they were, how precious! The joy they added to her life–and to their mother’s life–was immeasurable.  How they helped offset the pain of her husband’s crazy-making! Each day, for wonderfully blissful moments, genuine love imbued her home. Warmth and wonder filled the rage-riddled rooms. Cuddling these five precious lives, her life was a lot less bleak.

Not so, for her Crazy-Making Husband. The joy he witnessed was unbearable. How dare they all share love, when in his heart there was nothing but cold stone? For months he bullied and badgered his poor crazed wife. “Get RID of them!” he’d bellow, at midnight. “You and those f—– cats!”

And though they had room, and acres of land to support these wonderful lives, and though she had ample funds to provide for their nurture and healthcare, shaken and scared, unable to bear his incessant emotional beatings, at last the poor crazed wife  ‘permitted’ her Crazy-Making Husband to take the five tiny kittens to an animal shelter.

“What is your problem — it’s all perfectly legal,” shouted The Crazy-Making Husband, when his wife cried out in grief.  Since it’s legal, he argued, there’s nothing wrong with what he did.

For if it’s legal, it’s ethical — yes? *

It’s ethical to steal five tiny innocent lives from their mother, and render them homeless. It’s ethical to leave them at a animal shelter, surrendering them to who-knows-what future. It’s ethical to rob your wife of the tiny bundles of joy that buttress her from slipping into insanity from your crazy-making.

Ask The Crazy-Making Husband. He’ll tell you. It’s legal, so it’s perfectly fine.

Their mother, five days later, cannot stop screaming, searching high and low for her lost babies. While I, as grief-stricken as she, contemplate this story’s grave implications, when it comes to life with The Crazy-Making Husband.

For, in this ‘culture’ that humans have constructed, it is perfectly legal to murder your wife’s Spirit with emotional, mental, spiritual, and financial abuse. It is perfectly legal to bully her. It is perfectly legal to rage at her, humiliate her, and chronically squash her sense of self.

Despite her clearly evident suffering, it’s perfectly legal to confiscate her meager scraps of joy.

Here in America, if it’s legal, it’s ethical, yes?

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* Note: For phrasing this question, I am grateful to Dr. Edmund Pellegrino, Professor Emeritus of Medicine and Medical Ethics at the Center for Clinical Medical Ethics at Georgetown University Medical Center.

Recently I had a conversation with a dear college friend. Not many moments passed before our conversation turned to men. Though she and I originate in far different families, and have traveled far different life-paths, at heart, we are simpatico.

So as we mourned the dreadful state of many man-woman relationships, it wasn’t surprising that we shared a perspective.

She said it first: At the core of today’s relationship problems is men’s lack of respect for women.

Yes, RESPECT. Good, old-fashioned, wholesome respect. The kind of respect that requires good manners, consideration, kindness.  Respect that shields women from ugliness, and crassness. Respect that considers the welfare of his woman, in each and every decision that he makes.

Respect that motivates a man to behave his very best, to make his woman proud.

When was it in our ‘liberation declaration’ that we decided respect from men was unnecessary?  Why on earth did we assume that being ‘equal’ would efface our need for being well treated? And who, oh who, convinced us that ‘liberated’ women did not cry?

Each time we accept less-than-respectful behavior from our men, we contribute to the reinforcement of his bad behavior. What’s worse, this message is sent to other men. Eventually, society embraces bad male behavior.  Soon, institutions accept it too.

Shame — healthy, moral shame — is another gravely, mistakenly deleted social concept.

If you think I talk like an old-fashioned fool, test my hypothesis.  Ask any woman married to The Crazy-Making Husband: “Does your husband respect you?” “Does he feel ashamed when he behaves badly?” She may be embarrassed by your questions, but give her a moment. I promise she’ll be glad you asked.

Please permit me to get straight to the point. If you are married to The Crazy-Making Husband, in his head and heart, your very existence is the problem.

Yes, you read my words correctly. What you do or don’t do, think or don’t think, feel or don’t feel isn’t what activates his crazy-making. It’s the fact that you exist.

Though he may deny it, the core reason is that The Crazy-Making Husband doesn’t want to be a husband. In fact, he doesn’t want to be a grownup. As his wife, your existence ‘demands’ he be both. Take a survey of women whose husbands drive them crazy. I guarantee not one will report that her husband accepts responsibilities willfully, or gracefully — especially relational responsibilities.

Rather than rejoice in the fact you are united by marriage, The Crazy-Making Husband resents it. Deeply. What’s more, his deep-rooted resentment runs as thick as it runs deep.  His analysis of his discomfort with you concludes you’re “in his way”.  You’re a “drain”. A “drag” on him.

Healthy-minded men do not resort to crazy-making with their wives. Instead, they attempt to peaceably resolve conflict. The healthy-minded husband, in his acts, thoughts, and feelings, has unity, peace and mutuality as primary interpersonal goals. His relationship with his family is his top priority.

Sound impossible? Too pie-in-the-sky? If so, I am sorry to report that you’ve been brainwashed — by none other than your Crazy-Making Husband.

To see if you qualify as ‘Crazed Wife’ [the inevitable outcome of prolonged life with THE CRAZY-MAKING HUSBAND], here’s the litmus test: where are you, on these scales?

• calm—————————————————————–hysterical
• balanced———————————————————–off-balance
• clear-thinking———————————————————confused
• secure—————————————————————-insecure
• safe——————————————————————–fearful
• optimistic———————————————————–pessimistic
• confident—————————————————–feeling inadequate
• fulfilled——————————————————————empty
• bonded——————————————————————–lost
• socially invested——————————————–emotionally withdrawn
• high-spirited———————————————————depressed
• content————————————————————–frustrated
• cheery—————————————————————–irritable
• hopeful—————————————————————hopeless
• supported————————————————————–eroded
• rested—————————————————————exhausted
• validated—————————————————————-erased
• respected————————————————————-degraded
• valued———————————————————feeling worthless
• energetic————————————————————–depleted
• proud—————————————————————-ashamed
• happy—————————————————————miserable
• self-loving———————————————————self-loathing
• good immunity————————————————impaired immunity
• generally healthy——————————————————–often ill

The farther to the right you are positioned on these scales, the higher the chance you suffer crazy-making from your dear husband.

In a litmus test, one factor determines the test’s outcome. When it comes to determining whether you qualify as a ‘Crazed Wife’, that factor is none other than your Crazy-Making Husband.

Take a pencil. Put a dot where you reside on each of these scales. Then step back, and take a look. Who do you see?

When I wrote my book, THE CRAZY-MAKING HUSBAND, I could see humor in the follies of a man who drives his wife crazy.

I don’t see humor now.

As I research, write, interview, and observe, and as I continue to identify the seriously negative effects of my own husband’s crazy-making, the more I’m convinced that life with The Crazy-Making Husband endangers not only a woman’s sanity, but her physical health as well.

That’s why I’m now devoting my intellect and energy to reaching out to women who suffer crazy-making by their husbands. My articles, blogs and upcoming books will be soon supplemented by teleseminars and a radio show.

My aim is this: to make ‘The Crazy-Making Husband’ a clinically identifiable entity, acknowledged by therapists, who can then offer appropriate guidance to stricken wives.

Up next: If You Dare, Take The ‘Crazed Wife’ Litmus Test

It’s awfully hard, when you are married, to step back and see your husband for whom he is. What’s more, it’s scary. But if you’ve come to this blog, chances are deep down you know the truth already. You’re married to what I’ve identified as “THE CRAZY-MAKING HUSBAND”.

How can you know for sure?  If discerning his mindset is difficult at this point, look at the symptoms manifesting in you: chronic anxiety, confusion, frustration, depression, anger, self-beratement, woundedness, humiliation, sleep difficulties, aches and pains, exhaustion, poor self-esteem, feelings of emptiness, profound insecurity, racing thoughts, negative body-image, pessimism, compulsive eating, drinking, spending or affairs, and declining immunity — to name a few. If you’re in bad shape, your sanity and health are crumbling as we speak.

From my website’s FAQ: “Crazy-making by a husband is any behavior that makes a wife feel her [and her children's] legitimate needs, wishes and dreams are not only invalid, they are foolish and deserving of ridicule, criticism, negation and contempt. This includes her legitimate need for being valued, respected, cherished, genuinely loved and protected. It includes her entitlement to a posture of respectability in her social surroundings. It also includes her and her children’s need to be financially secure.”

If any of this feels familiar, stay tuned. There’s help, ahead.